SCENE I
A part of the Grecian camp.
[Enter AJAX and THERSITES]
AJAX
Thersites!
Thersites!
THERSITES
Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over, generally?
Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over, generally?
AJAX
Thersites!
Thersites!
THERSITES
And those boils did run? say so: did not the general run then? were not that a botchy core?
And those boils did run? say so: did not the general run then? were not that a botchy core?
AJAX
Dog!
Dog!
THERSITES
Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.
Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.
AJAX
Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear?
Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear?
[Beating him]
Feel, then.
THERSITES
The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted lord!
The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted lord!
AJAX
Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will beat thee into handsomeness.
Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will beat thee into handsomeness.
THERSITES
I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but, I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? a red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks!
I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but, I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? a red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks!
AJAX
Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
THERSITES
Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
AJAX
The proclamation!
The proclamation!
THERSITES
Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
AJAX
Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.
Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.
THERSITES
I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.
I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.
AJAX
I say, the proclamation!
I say, the proclamation!
THERSITES
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at Proserpine’s beauty, ay, that thou barkest at him.
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at Proserpine’s beauty, ay, that thou barkest at him.
AJAX
Mistress Thersites!
Mistress Thersites!
THERSITES
Thou shouldest strike him.
Thou shouldest strike him.
AJAX
Cobloaf!
Cobloaf!
THERSITES
He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor breaks a biscuit.
He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor breaks a biscuit.
AJAX
| [Beating him] | You whoreson cur! |
THERSITES
Do, do.
Do, do.
AJAX
Thou stool for a witch!
Thou stool for a witch!
THERSITES
Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!
Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!
AJAX
You dog!
You dog!
THERSITES
You scurvy lord!
You scurvy lord!
AJAX
| [Beating him] | You cur! |
THERSITES
Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
[Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]
ACHILLES
Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now,
Thersites! what’s the matter, man?
Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now,
Thersites! what’s the matter, man?
THERSITES
You see him there, do you?
You see him there, do you?
ACHILLES
Ay; what’s the matter?
Ay; what’s the matter?
THERSITES
Nay, look upon him.
Nay, look upon him.
ACHILLES
So I do: what’s the matter?
So I do: what’s the matter?
THERSITES
Nay, but regard him well.
Nay, but regard him well.
ACHILLES
’Well!’ why, I do so.
’Well!’ why, I do so.
THERSITES
But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you take him to be, he is Ajax.
But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever you take him to be, he is Ajax.
ACHILLES
I know that, fool.
I know that, fool.
THERSITES
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
AJAX
Therefore I beat thee.
Therefore I beat thee.
THERSITES
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord, Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and his guts in his head, I’ll tell you what I say of him.
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord, Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and his guts in his head, I’ll tell you what I say of him.
ACHILLES
What?
What?
THERSITES
I say, this Ajax –
I say, this Ajax –
[Ajax offers to beat him]
ACHILLES
Nay, good Ajax.
Nay, good Ajax.
THERSITES
Has not so much wit –
Has not so much wit –
ACHILLES
Nay, I must hold you.
Nay, I must hold you.
THERSITES
As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he comes to fight.
As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he comes to fight.
ACHILLES
Peace, fool!
Peace, fool!
THERSITES
I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not: he there: that he: look you there.
I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not: he there: that he: look you there.
AJAX
O thou damned cur! I shall –
O thou damned cur! I shall –
ACHILLES
Will you set your wit to a fool’s?
Will you set your wit to a fool’s?
THERSITES
No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it.
No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it.
PATROCLUS
Good words, Thersites.
Good words, Thersites.
ACHILLES
What’s the quarrel?
What’s the quarrel?
AJAX
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the proclamation, and he rails upon me.
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of the proclamation, and he rails upon me.
THERSITES
I serve thee not.
I serve thee not.
AJAX
Well, go to, go to.
Well, go to, go to.
THERSITES
I serve here voluntarily.
I serve here voluntarily.
ACHILLES
Your last service was sufferance, ’twas not voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
Your last service was sufferance, ’twas not voluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax was here the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
THERSITES
E’en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a’ were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.
E’en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a’ were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.
ACHILLES
What, with me too, Thersites?
What, with me too, Thersites?
THERSITES
There’s Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars.
There’s Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy ere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke you like draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars.
ACHILLES
What, what?
What, what?
THERSITES
Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to!
Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to!
AJAX
I shall cut out your tongue.
I shall cut out your tongue.
THERSITES
’Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou afterwards.
’Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thou afterwards.
PATROCLUS
No more words, Thersites; peace!
No more words, Thersites; peace!
THERSITES
I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach bids me, shall I?
I will hold my peace when Achilles’ brach bids me, shall I?
ACHILLES
There’s for you, Patroclus.
There’s for you, Patroclus.
THERSITES
I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come any more to your tents: I will keep where there is wit stirring and leave the faction of fools.
I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I come any more to your tents: I will keep where there is wit stirring and leave the faction of fools.
[Exit]
PATROCLUS
A good riddance.
A good riddance.
ACHILLES
Marry, this, sir, is proclaim’d through all our host:
That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy
To-morrow morning call some knight to arms
That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare
Maintain – I know not what: ’tis trash. Farewell.
Marry, this, sir, is proclaim’d through all our host:
That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,
Will with a trumpet ’twixt our tents and Troy
To-morrow morning call some knight to arms
That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare
Maintain – I know not what: ’tis trash. Farewell.
AJAX
Farewell. Who shall answer him?
Farewell. Who shall answer him?
ACHILLES
I know not: ’tis put to lottery; otherwise
He knew his man.
I know not: ’tis put to lottery; otherwise
He knew his man.
AJAX
O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.
O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.
[Exeunt]
