SCENE I
The Grecian camp. Before Achilles’ tent.
[Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]
ACHILLES
I’ll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
Which with my scimitar I’ll cool to-morrow.
Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
I’ll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,
Which with my scimitar I’ll cool to-morrow.
Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
PATROCLUS
Here comes Thersites.
Here comes Thersites.
[Enter THERSITES]
ACHILLES
How now, thou core of envy!
Thou crusty batch of nature, what’s the news?
How now, thou core of envy!
Thou crusty batch of nature, what’s the news?
THERSITES
Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol of idiot worshippers, here’s a letter for thee.
Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idol of idiot worshippers, here’s a letter for thee.
ACHILLES
From whence, fragment?
From whence, fragment?
THERSITES
Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
PATROCLUS
Who keeps the tent now?
Who keeps the tent now?
THERSITES
The surgeon’s box, or the patient’s wound.
The surgeon’s box, or the patient’s wound.
PATROCLUS
Well said, adversity! and what need these tricks?
Well said, adversity! and what need these tricks?
THERSITES
Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk: thou art thought to be Achilles’ male varlet.
Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk: thou art thought to be Achilles’ male varlet.
PATROCLUS
Male varlet, you rogue! what’s that?
Male varlet, you rogue! what’s that?
THERSITES
Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs, loads o’ gravel i’ the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas, limekilns i’ the palm, incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take again such preposterous discoveries!
Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseases of the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs, loads o’ gravel i’ the back, lethargies, cold palsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezing lungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas, limekilns i’ the palm, incurable bone-ache, and the rivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and take again such preposterous discoveries!
PATROCLUS
Why thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou to curse thus?
Why thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanest thou to curse thus?
THERSITES
Do I curse thee?
Do I curse thee?
PATROCLUS
Why no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable cur, no.
Why no, you ruinous butt, you whoreson indistinguishable cur, no.
THERSITES
No! why art thou then exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal’s purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered with such waterflies, diminutives of nature!
No! why art thou then exasperate, thou idle immaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal’s purse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pestered with such waterflies, diminutives of nature!
PATROCLUS
Out, gall!
Out, gall!
THERSITES
Finch-egg!
Finch-egg!
ACHILLES
My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
From my great purpose in to-morrow’s battle.
Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
A token from her daughter, my fair love,
Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it:
Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
My major vow lies here, this I’ll obey.
Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent:
This night in banqueting must all be spent.
Away, Patroclus!
My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quite
From my great purpose in to-morrow’s battle.
Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,
A token from her daughter, my fair love,
Both taxing me and gaging me to keep
An oath that I have sworn. I will not break it:
Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;
My major vow lies here, this I’ll obey.
Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent:
This night in banqueting must all be spent.
Away, Patroclus!
[Exeunt ACHILLES and PATROCLUS]
THERSITES
With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; but, if with too much brain and too little blood they do, I’ll be a curer of madmen. Here’s Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one that loves quails; but he has not so much brain as earwax: and the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull, – the primitive statue, and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother’s leg, – to what form but that he is, should wit larded with malice and malice forced with wit turn him to? To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox: to an ox, were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny. Ask me not, what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus! Hey-day! spirits and fires!
With too much blood and too little brain, these two may run mad; but, if with too much brain and too little blood they do, I’ll be a curer of madmen. Here’s Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and one that loves quails; but he has not so much brain as earwax: and the goodly transformation of Jupiter there, his brother, the bull, – the primitive statue, and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thrifty shoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother’s leg, – to what form but that he is, should wit larded with malice and malice forced with wit turn him to? To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox: to an ox, were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be a dog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, an owl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I would not care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspire against destiny. Ask me not, what I would be, if I were not Thersites; for I care not to be the louse of a lazar, so I were not Menelaus! Hey-day! spirits and fires!
[Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights]
AGAMEMNON
We go wrong, we go wrong.
We go wrong, we go wrong.
AJAX
No, yonder ’tis;
There, where we see the lights.
No, yonder ’tis;
There, where we see the lights.
HECTOR
I trouble you.
I trouble you.
AJAX
No, not a whit.
No, not a whit.
ULYSSES
| Here comes himself to guide you. |
[Re-enter ACHILLES]
ACHILLES
Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.
Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.
AGAMEMNON
So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night. Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night. Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
HECTOR
Thanks and good night to the Greeks’ general.
Thanks and good night to the Greeks’ general.
MENELAUS
Good night, my lord.
Good night, my lord.
HECTOR
Good night, sweet lord Menelaus.
Good night, sweet lord Menelaus.
THERSITES
Sweet draught: ’sweet’ quoth ’a! sweet sink, sweet sewer.
Sweet draught: ’sweet’ quoth ’a! sweet sink, sweet sewer.
ACHILLES
Good night and welcome, both at once, to those That go or tarry.
Good night and welcome, both at once, to those That go or tarry.
AGAMEMNON
Good night.
Good night.
[Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS]
ACHILLES
Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.
Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,
Keep Hector company an hour or two.
DIOMEDES
I cannot, lord; I have important business,
The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
I cannot, lord; I have important business,
The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
HECTOR
Give me your hand.
Give me your hand.
ULYSSES
I’ll keep you company.
| [Aside to TROILUS] | Follow his torch; he goes to Calchas’ tent: |
TROILUS
Sweet sir, you honour me.
Sweet sir, you honour me.
HECTOR
And so, good night.
And so, good night.
[Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following]
ACHILLES
Come, come, enter my tent.
Come, come, enter my tent.
[Exeunt ACHILLES, HECTOR, AJAX, and NESTOR]
THERSITES
That same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend his mouth, and promise, like Brabbler the hound: but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun borrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see Hector, than not to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas’ tent: I’ll after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets!
That same Diomed’s a false-hearted rogue, a most unjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spend his mouth, and promise, like Brabbler the hound: but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; it is prodigious, there will come some change; the sun borrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps his word. I will rather leave to see Hector, than not to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojan drab, and uses the traitor Calchas’ tent: I’ll after. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets!
[Exit]
